why does love hurt so much?

Nick and I agreed to be just friends. He says he doesn't want me to have to wait around for two years if it doesn't work out; he doesn't know if it will or not. He just doesn't think I'm being realistic about the future; in a way, I'm not. I keep waiting for him to figure something out. But I know better. I guess I realized from the moment he started using the word "if" that there was no future.

If something means enough to you, ya hang on to it, you don't let it slip though your grasp and watch it slip away. I can't make him care anymore than he does, but it hurts to see just how much I matter. And maybe love just wasn't the problem. Maybe love didn't matter, I don't know? It mattered to me.

Or, maybe I was just a girl, a very ordinary girl, and there are lots of those. Why give up anything to be with a girl when there are other girls out there? I can't blame him. I'm sure he has his own reasons.

But such is life. You live, you learn; you love, you lose. You live, you die. I guess it's all part of a cycle. Life isn't always fair, it isn't always perfect, but there's something to be learned in every experience.

I haven't learned what that is yet, but at least I haven't lost my faith in all this. Strange how your heart can be shattered by something, yet your faith can remain intact. But, I guess I have to keep that; I have to believe in something, because my life was just starting to be built around something that just totally crumbled.

Maybe it was never really there in the first place. But I think... I thought we had something. I just don't know anymore.