the quiet voice

Quote: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.' "

i always thought courage was being fearless, but strength doesn't have to mean that you're not afraid. sometimes strength means that you are afraid, but you face it anyway.

i've learned alot about courage this week. and strength. nick has been in the hospital with pneumonia since monday, and i've tried to be at his side as much as i can. between taking care of things at home and work and school commitments, i haven't been there as much as i want to be. and clay has to stay with mom, so i miss him as well. but there was that quiet voice telling me to see what tomorrow would bring, that it would get better...

i've been doing ALOT of praying this week. probably more praying than i've done all year. sometimes... we take what we have for granted. i never realized how much i did it, but when you almost lose something that you love, suddenly you realize just what you have.

most of you know that all this week he was there, and just not getting better, and the doctors couldn't figure out what was going on. well, finally yesterday, the doctors thought they knew what was going on, and started him on a very strong antibiotic, and it started working. he started getting better.

seeing him this morning, and realizing the difference was like turning on a light in a dark room. and he's not ready to go home yet... but that was how sick he was before. and i was just trying to get thru each day and deal with it, and try not to worry or be afraid; but he was, and still is, very sick. yes, he's better, but still quite weak, and i think it will be awhile before he's 100%.

the doctors are pretty sure he has histoplasmosis, which you can get from birds. he was knocking down a bunch of swallows' nests about a month ago, so that makes sense. scary, though, that some stupid birds could cause so much damage. what's really hitting me right now is that histoplasmosis can be fatal.

i could have lost him. it's just hitting me now. kind of like how a sand castle crashes onto the beach when the tide comes in. i just feel overwhelmed by the realization of how close we came to it. but that's how life is; its like the sea. we can't do anything to stop some of the events in life, no more than we can stop the tide coming in.

but sometimes being strong is not the ability to stand against the tide, it is the knowlege that the tide will go down again, and it is the strength to wait it out.

the waiting was the hard part. the wondering. the hoping. the praying. now, the tide has gone down, and my walls have come crashing down, with the tide; but there's also relief and peace that surrounds me and carries me through it.

becasue i realize that even in the midst of the darkest moment, when i felt totally under water, God was there. and even though my own defenses crumbled and i realized i wasn't as strong as i thought i was, he was there, catching me when i fell, and gently carrying me.

sometimes courage is simply faith. and trusting when you have no answers.